Hello again family and friends. I want to thank you all for your support, comments, verses, and prayers with my new adventure. I'm still struggling quite a bit, it seem like I'm fighting a really steep hill. I'm starting to read a little bit more. I am reading on my days off and I'm doing it before my game playing instead of after it. Reading on the days I work I have quite figured out how to do quite yet. Pray still is my biggest struggle and I think it mostly comes from when I try to pray, I get interrupted by the noise and I can no longer focus. I think I will ask my husband to help me with that, and  I don't know why I haven't asked him before.
     I'm still reading Daniel, sometimes I have to read the same chapter a couple of times. I just finished reading Daniel 9, actually I read it twice...lol. It was a good chapter, basically it was Daniel praying. Daniel 9: 4-5 "⁴ I prayed to the Lord my God and confessed and said, “Alas, O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant and lovingkindness for those who love Him and keep His commandments, ⁵ we have sinned, committed iniquity, acted wickedly and rebelled, even turning aside from Your commandments and ordinances."
     I should pray like this every time. I feel wicked everyday, and yes always I seem to rebel. I sometimes act like a little spoiled brat and complain and whine and act inappropriately when I don't get what I want or something doesn't come out the way I planned. I biggest thing lately, which God put on my heart last week, was the way I act about a physician I work with that I really don't like. I am respectful to him, but when her is nowhere to be found, I have name calling, rolling of the eyes, complaining, yup the whole brat package. Though he is not a very good physician and doesn't play very well, me as a child of Christ have no right to act that way. What kind of example am I to my coworkers....not a very good example of Christ, not an example at all.
     So with this confession to you all, I need to confess to our Lord and work on my attitude and behavior when I deal with this physician. I'm going to need a lot of prayer for this one.

     Well it's been a while since I have last posted anything, but I am still reading Daniel and keeping up on my daily scripture and daily devotionals. The days have been very full and with a little one, who is a little extra needy this week, it's hard to sit down and write your thoughts.
     Lately prayer has been haunting me, in a sense. Prayer is one of the most intimate and important part of my relationship with God. My prayer, when I do pray, is normally about me, about what I want our what I need. Now don't get me wrong, I know you are to make your desires known to God, but prayer should be a conversation to my Father. An open and honest confession and admiration to my Lord, as well as desires, but I seem to always focus more on me.
     Now I would love to tell everyone how I spend lots of time everyday deep in prayer, but I wouldn't be being honest to you or myself. But I did sit down, cleared my thoughts, and submissively prayed to God for the 1st time in a long time. I started to cry and give up myself to my Lord. WOW! It was great, it felt so cleansing. I hadn't done that in such a long time. To just let my guard down and honestly talk to God made me feel so good. I felt happier, lighter, and blessed. I didn't ask for anything except to help me do this more often. I confessed my poor attitude, my bad behavior, and lack of obedience. And during all this time of prayer I could feel the Lords presence, even His touch, His love.
     I wish I could tell you I have done it again, but I haven't. It seems hard to get that quiet time and alone time. I don't know, maybe I am making excuses. But I will work at getting some of that alone time so that I can continue to spend that great quality time with my Heavenly Father.

     Unfortunately my reading is suffering, I did just finish reading Daniel 6 though. I would like to blame my lack of reading on my work schedule, but I have no good excuse. Yes I have had a rough work schedule, but I still had time to spend with the Lord. I hate my laziness and me putting other "things" before my Lord. What is my problem? I feel like a looser.
     I'm sorry Lord for my laziness and lack of obedience. Help me to renew my desires to be a servant of you, to live my life for you. For my desires not to me just thoughts, but actions. Light a fire in my soul, let me feel rejuvenated and excited. Thank you Lord for your mercies and patience.
     In Daniel 6, Daniel got put in a cave with a lion for not putting the king before God. Wow, I'm so glad I live in a place where I can worship the true Lord and not be persecuted for it. But that wasn't the message I got today. When Daniel got thrown into a horrible, scary, and life threatening situation, he trusted God to keep him safe. Do I do that? Or do I panic and try to take over the situation myself? Well I try to do it myself. When we have no money, I panic, yell at my husband, and look to others for help, not God. When I have a problem with a patient that isn't doing well, do I stop and pray? No I curse and get stressed. When there is a problem with someone in my family, do I stop and seek God for advise? No I complain about how upset I am with that person.
     Where is my trust in God? When I have no problems and everything is running smoothly, it's all about how wonderful God is and how He was provided for us. But the time to praise God and seek Him the most is when I am in the lion's cave, in the midst of chaos and adversity.
     In short, I have to go to God first! ALWAYS!

     Today I read Daniel 5. It was about King Nebuchadnezzar's son King Belshazzar. Belshazzar used the gold and silver vessels to drink from that was taken out of the temple in Jerusalem. This hit me in the way on how he valued things, objects of grander. He was materialistic, what ever made him look better, made him feel better. He put "things" first.
     I started to think about what "things" I put first. What do I have that I put first above God. Do I value, or do I have values?
     I get the daily encouraging thoughts from KSGN. Today's quote was: If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.
     Ouch! This hurt. I value "things" that I feel I need to do or want to do. I play on my android playing games, watching TV, playing PS3, taking a nap, being lazy. I put meaningless things first and I make excuses on why I can't read Gods word or pray, like: I forgot, or I have to do laundry, or I have to clean up the house. But in between all those "things" I have to do, I play around doing "things" that are meaningless and have lack of values.
     I have it backwards. I should have excuses on why I didn't do my laundry, or return a text message, or not clean my house like: I was so into Gods word and spending time with Him, I loss track of time. He should be my first, not my excuse. God should be the "things" in my life. He should be the vessel I drink from. He should be what makes me look better, feel better, and be better. And above all my "shoulds" need to be actions.
     

Happy Resurrection Sunday!! He has Risen!

     Well my reading this week has been terrible and so has my mouth. My cussing is better, but still not gone. I have been doing a small android daily devotional, but haven't really read. It is like the thought completely left my mind. I got caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday. Which is totally ironic since the holiday is all about Jesus. I should have been more into His word then ever. I got all wrapped up in the secular part of the holiday instead of the true spirit, which was about our Lord and Savior. What makes it even worse is that I was  complaining about how there was no candy or gifts or anything that was Christ centered. Wow I am truly pathetic.
     Today I was thinking about Easter, my mom said this holiday should be bigger then Christmas. I thought she was crazy, but now, she was right. Christmas was about Christ's birth, but Easter is about our salvation, which is what it is all about. Our salvation, is the bases of my relationship with Christ. Without Christ dying on the cross, I wouldn't have my salvation. He died on the cross for me and all my sins.
     How blessed I am to be able to spend eternity in heaven with my maker and be able to celebrate it openly with my family and friends. Thank you Lord!

     Well I just finished reading Daniel 4, I missed a day or two, but that is okay, I will continue on. But today's thought wasn't from Daniel, it is from a verse my dad emailed me yesterday:
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.'" -Matthew 16:24 NLT


     It is my selfish ways that has lead me so far from Jesus. Right now it's my selfishness vs. my desires. A battle within me that is not easy. My selfishness is my laziness, my stubbornness to want to be mad, my lack of priorities, my excuses, my game playing, and much more I'm sure. But believe it or not it's my guilt that is turning into a stronger desire. 
     Although my desire is becoming stronger my selfishness still has the lead. Why is that so hard for me? What is even more sad is that my selfishness is the biggest with God. With other people, I am more willing to stop everything for my friends and family then with my heavenly Father. My daughter comes 1st, my husband, my mom, my dad, my nephew, and my friends, then God. Wow, I'm all screwed up.
     It almost seems like I use all those people as an excuse not to put God first. My thinking is so backwards. What am I afraid of, why am I holding back? Why does this, reading God's word and praying and doing good works, seem more like a chore, then a joy?
     I would never consider myself as a selfish person, but maybe I have been lying to myself, maybe I refuse to see who I really am. I don't want to be a selfish person. I don't want to put myself and my excuses before my Lord. Please Lord help me to be that person, that selfless person You and I desire to be. Thank you Lord for Your patience.
     So now I need to pick up my cross? What does that mean, "my cross"? Is that my sin? But why would I want to take my sin with me and follow Jesus? Can someone please explain this to me?
     Thank you all for your time and prayers!!

     So, it's been several days since my last post. Originally my goal was to post something daily on what I got from spending time in God's word. But that has been a little much for me. I have started reading Daniel, as recommended by my husband and a good friend. The old testament has always been more difficult for me to read and understand, but I will try to get through it. 
     I have read so far Daniel 1 and 2, though there is no verse that sticks out to me, Daniels actions have. It seems that before anything he has done, he has spoken to God first. He also put God first in His actions, by respecting and honoring Him.
     Am I like this? Do I honor and respect Him with my actions? Do I go to Him first with every decision I have to make? Well the answer is no. The truth is...I take advantage of Him. I know His is always there. So what difference does it make in my actions, I know even though I act poorly and sin, He will always love me and always be there for me.
     What an ugly person I have become. Forgive me Lord, for not honoring and respecting you. For not coming to you with every decision in my life, no matter if it is big or small. Forgive me for thinking I always have the right answer to all my life's issues.
     To make it worse I just made a huge decision without going to God first. Lord forgive me, I pray that the decision Collin and I have recently made is the one you have desired for us. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers Lord.

Lamentations 3:31-32(NASB)
     "For the Lord will not reject forever, For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness."


     I never knew God causes grief. I thought He just allows bad things to happen, not cause them. Why? He is our Father and we are His children. If He has lovingkindness, why would he cause grief towards His children? Do I cause grief toward Trinity? 
     I have dealt with a lot of grief lately. The loss of my unborn child is a grief I would not wish upon anyone. I feel grief is a side effect to an event that occurs, how my response is. So God caused my miscarriage knowing the grief it would bring on me. Where is his compassion? He knows the pain of loosing a child, why would He have us feel that horrible pain? These are questions I may never get answers to, which in itself is very frustrating.
     When He causes grief, where is this abundant lovingkindness? Well I have come to the conclusion that just as I teach Trinity, she doesn't always like the lesson to be taught, but it is from my lovingkindness that I have for her, that I teach her these life's lessons. In turn, it may cause her grief. I feel this verse is a little misleading, but if you view it as a Father/child relationship, it makes much more sense.
     My mom use to tell me, after I got in trouble, "it hurts me more then it hurts you." As a parent, I can totally get behind that now. So all the grief I endure, my Father in heaven endures it even more.

     Please keep in mind this is new to me, so there may be a few glitches here and there. I'm hoping overtime it will be easier for me and you. 

     Well, welcome to my blog page. Many maybe asking why I have a blog page, I have been asking myself that question. The only answer I can come up with is....it's all Gods idea. I have been struggling for some time now with my relationship, or there lack of, with God. I love Him, I know He is there, but I have to desire to make an effort to have a stronger relationship with Him. I am a lukewarm Christian and I hate it. It makes me sad and I feel lost.  I know what I need to do, yet I continually fail to do it. I don't read His word, I hardly pray anymore, and going to church is a struggle. I seem to sin more and more, with my actions and my thoughts.
     A while ago, a good co-worker showed me her blog page. She blogs her thoughts for her class at her church. Ever since then it has been sitting in the back of my mind..."What if I do a blog page to encourage myself and get me motivated to spend more time building my relationship with Christ, and get accountability and encouragement from those I share it with."
     So, here I am, taking the plunge, hoping to get back on path to building a strong relationship with our Lord. I have titled my blog page "The straight path", from the passage Proverbs 3:5-6  "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I feel I have lost my path due to the many difficult times I have encountered lately and it holds a place in my heart from when I had some hard times in the beginning of my walk. It was brought to my attention by my pastor....I seem to always come back to it.

     I'm very scared to do this blog, but even more scared of loosing my relationship with God all together. So, my friends and loved ones, I call out to you. Please help me through this mission, read my blogs, comment on them, encourage me, hold me accountable, and most of all please pray for me.

     Thank you, Jessica