Well it's been a while since I have last posted anything, but I am still reading Daniel and keeping up on my daily scripture and daily devotionals. The days have been very full and with a little one, who is a little extra needy this week, it's hard to sit down and write your thoughts.
     Lately prayer has been haunting me, in a sense. Prayer is one of the most intimate and important part of my relationship with God. My prayer, when I do pray, is normally about me, about what I want our what I need. Now don't get me wrong, I know you are to make your desires known to God, but prayer should be a conversation to my Father. An open and honest confession and admiration to my Lord, as well as desires, but I seem to always focus more on me.
     Now I would love to tell everyone how I spend lots of time everyday deep in prayer, but I wouldn't be being honest to you or myself. But I did sit down, cleared my thoughts, and submissively prayed to God for the 1st time in a long time. I started to cry and give up myself to my Lord. WOW! It was great, it felt so cleansing. I hadn't done that in such a long time. To just let my guard down and honestly talk to God made me feel so good. I felt happier, lighter, and blessed. I didn't ask for anything except to help me do this more often. I confessed my poor attitude, my bad behavior, and lack of obedience. And during all this time of prayer I could feel the Lords presence, even His touch, His love.
     I wish I could tell you I have done it again, but I haven't. It seems hard to get that quiet time and alone time. I don't know, maybe I am making excuses. But I will work at getting some of that alone time so that I can continue to spend that great quality time with my Heavenly Father.

     Unfortunately my reading is suffering, I did just finish reading Daniel 6 though. I would like to blame my lack of reading on my work schedule, but I have no good excuse. Yes I have had a rough work schedule, but I still had time to spend with the Lord. I hate my laziness and me putting other "things" before my Lord. What is my problem? I feel like a looser.
     I'm sorry Lord for my laziness and lack of obedience. Help me to renew my desires to be a servant of you, to live my life for you. For my desires not to me just thoughts, but actions. Light a fire in my soul, let me feel rejuvenated and excited. Thank you Lord for your mercies and patience.
     In Daniel 6, Daniel got put in a cave with a lion for not putting the king before God. Wow, I'm so glad I live in a place where I can worship the true Lord and not be persecuted for it. But that wasn't the message I got today. When Daniel got thrown into a horrible, scary, and life threatening situation, he trusted God to keep him safe. Do I do that? Or do I panic and try to take over the situation myself? Well I try to do it myself. When we have no money, I panic, yell at my husband, and look to others for help, not God. When I have a problem with a patient that isn't doing well, do I stop and pray? No I curse and get stressed. When there is a problem with someone in my family, do I stop and seek God for advise? No I complain about how upset I am with that person.
     Where is my trust in God? When I have no problems and everything is running smoothly, it's all about how wonderful God is and how He was provided for us. But the time to praise God and seek Him the most is when I am in the lion's cave, in the midst of chaos and adversity.
     In short, I have to go to God first! ALWAYS!

     Today I read Daniel 5. It was about King Nebuchadnezzar's son King Belshazzar. Belshazzar used the gold and silver vessels to drink from that was taken out of the temple in Jerusalem. This hit me in the way on how he valued things, objects of grander. He was materialistic, what ever made him look better, made him feel better. He put "things" first.
     I started to think about what "things" I put first. What do I have that I put first above God. Do I value, or do I have values?
     I get the daily encouraging thoughts from KSGN. Today's quote was: If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.
     Ouch! This hurt. I value "things" that I feel I need to do or want to do. I play on my android playing games, watching TV, playing PS3, taking a nap, being lazy. I put meaningless things first and I make excuses on why I can't read Gods word or pray, like: I forgot, or I have to do laundry, or I have to clean up the house. But in between all those "things" I have to do, I play around doing "things" that are meaningless and have lack of values.
     I have it backwards. I should have excuses on why I didn't do my laundry, or return a text message, or not clean my house like: I was so into Gods word and spending time with Him, I loss track of time. He should be my first, not my excuse. God should be the "things" in my life. He should be the vessel I drink from. He should be what makes me look better, feel better, and be better. And above all my "shoulds" need to be actions.
     

Happy Resurrection Sunday!! He has Risen!

     Well my reading this week has been terrible and so has my mouth. My cussing is better, but still not gone. I have been doing a small android daily devotional, but haven't really read. It is like the thought completely left my mind. I got caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday. Which is totally ironic since the holiday is all about Jesus. I should have been more into His word then ever. I got all wrapped up in the secular part of the holiday instead of the true spirit, which was about our Lord and Savior. What makes it even worse is that I was  complaining about how there was no candy or gifts or anything that was Christ centered. Wow I am truly pathetic.
     Today I was thinking about Easter, my mom said this holiday should be bigger then Christmas. I thought she was crazy, but now, she was right. Christmas was about Christ's birth, but Easter is about our salvation, which is what it is all about. Our salvation, is the bases of my relationship with Christ. Without Christ dying on the cross, I wouldn't have my salvation. He died on the cross for me and all my sins.
     How blessed I am to be able to spend eternity in heaven with my maker and be able to celebrate it openly with my family and friends. Thank you Lord!

     Well I just finished reading Daniel 4, I missed a day or two, but that is okay, I will continue on. But today's thought wasn't from Daniel, it is from a verse my dad emailed me yesterday:
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.'" -Matthew 16:24 NLT


     It is my selfish ways that has lead me so far from Jesus. Right now it's my selfishness vs. my desires. A battle within me that is not easy. My selfishness is my laziness, my stubbornness to want to be mad, my lack of priorities, my excuses, my game playing, and much more I'm sure. But believe it or not it's my guilt that is turning into a stronger desire. 
     Although my desire is becoming stronger my selfishness still has the lead. Why is that so hard for me? What is even more sad is that my selfishness is the biggest with God. With other people, I am more willing to stop everything for my friends and family then with my heavenly Father. My daughter comes 1st, my husband, my mom, my dad, my nephew, and my friends, then God. Wow, I'm all screwed up.
     It almost seems like I use all those people as an excuse not to put God first. My thinking is so backwards. What am I afraid of, why am I holding back? Why does this, reading God's word and praying and doing good works, seem more like a chore, then a joy?
     I would never consider myself as a selfish person, but maybe I have been lying to myself, maybe I refuse to see who I really am. I don't want to be a selfish person. I don't want to put myself and my excuses before my Lord. Please Lord help me to be that person, that selfless person You and I desire to be. Thank you Lord for Your patience.
     So now I need to pick up my cross? What does that mean, "my cross"? Is that my sin? But why would I want to take my sin with me and follow Jesus? Can someone please explain this to me?
     Thank you all for your time and prayers!!